When everything froze.

DISCLAIMER (man I love these): This is not in any way a professional article on dealing with clinical anxiety or anything of that sort. If you’re facing that and reading this….I hope this serves as some kind of reflection…but definitely not any sort of solution.

In the months following my move to Japan, a lot of people told me I looked happier.
I looked happier in Facebook photos and sounded more positive on Skype
And, I  really am.
But, I recently started to wonder WHY this was the case.

Even before I left for JET, I knew I wanted to get over some of the issues I had with myself in Singapore. I’d been under my parent’s care for too long. Independence was foreign to me. Responsibility scared the crap out of me despite training to be a director and I was constantly seeking validation or acceptance of some sort.

There was also a lot of unhappiness and dissatisfaction that I had begun to harbour. I had a lot of days when I’d go home after doing theatre and just not feel the happiness I’d felt in the past. That was the scariest part because, falling out of love with theatre felt like a part of me had just gone hollow.

There was a huge part of me that was just an anxious, nervous mess about 80% of the time. I still tend to have a horrible paranoia that I’m doing something wrong. Or that I ought to be doing something more, something better, something more important. I fear that someone with more authority than me is going to swoop down on me and tell me that I’m worthless or that I’m wasting my time.

It was only very recently that I started to see that this way of thinking was not only ridiculously toxic, but also completely unhelpful in accomplising anything. If anything, it prevents a person from moving forward at all.

I got some insight on my trip back home from 31st October- 7th November 2015.

Going back home, I was faced with the question: Have I overstayed in Japan? Will I lose a place to return to? Am I gonna be jobless when I come back?

My imagination runs wild a lot… and it creates the worst situations in my mind. My breathing gets kinda shallow and for a while, I my brain just zeros in on the “problem”. I get a kind of depressing black-hole-esque tunnel vision and I start tuning out the rest of the world. I still harbor a lot of this anxiety.

However, one good thing came out of my trip home. I ended up meeting a lot of my friends and collegues and mentors. As much as possible, I stayed away from the toxic. Again, many were talking about how much less stressed out I looked and how much more carefree and happy I came across. Everything from my attire to my attitude to life came across as positive and I can hazard a guess why.

Recently, I’ve become more aware of what is toxic (to me at least). People, characters, places, topics…all kinds of things that were once faceless demons that weighed me down…I’ve started identifying them.

At the heart of it all, I’m working on not allowing myself to be bullied into things and to relax.

It really takes a lot of work though, coming from a place that values perfection, employment, money and sucess. Despite my firm belief that failures are a great learning platform, I’m so resistant and the world just freezes.

A problem is not a problem once you know it’s a problem.
It’s only a challenge.
It’s when you don’t know that there’s a problem.
That’s a real problem.
-this was on one of those cheezy motivational poster cards my dad gave me years ago.

I wish to make a note that, while I’ve enlarged and zoomed into some of the challenges I face, it’s not like I’ve stopped living. I’m moving forward and I’ve got a generally positive personality that doesn’t allow me to wallow. However, these tiny blips cause unnecessary panic which I would love to be rid of.

End note: As humans, we’re all works-in-progess. Getting over this issue doesn’t mean I become perfect…Just a software update.

 

 

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